how to invite yourself over to a guys househow to invite yourself over to a guys house

On your FAMILY vacations?? The days when everybody was on the same schedule and you knew which hours people were awake and prepared to receive visitors are in the past. He won't necessarily have a good conversation starter at the top of his mind or really know what to say to you. Which goes to show how very individual the boundaries are. The short version, LW, is: Always ask. Or if anybody has a disability of any kind (including being non-neurotypical, as in my familys case) adult support may be needed if only for scheduling and transport. Yup. I sent him an email when I left, and arrived 25 minutes later. The etiquette of invitations varies widely as to region, culture, relationship & history, personality, not to mention cellular phone ownership and use, and its a particular minefield for people who have anxiety around and/or trouble reading nonverbal or unwritten social cues. I am an introvert. It also varies depending on how close my relationship is with someone. I mean, if someone said I was driving by but didnt want to drop by in case it was rude (or even if you said I saw you driving by, why didnt you say hello? and they said that was the reason) then you could reassure them that youd be happy for them to come by any time. If it isn't, call him rather than send a text to invite him over. *deep breaths* I mean, thats a short enough time that a drive can easily vary by that much depending on how you hit traffic lights. Also I dont care how YOU (or the poster above you) feels about the underwear on my floor, Im still picking it up before anyone comes in. ). Distance communication makes explaining that Im doing something non-interruptible seem more polite and gives more hypothetical space for you to pretend I was actually doing something specific or about to run to an appointment rather than just not feeling sociable. Nobody dropped by after about 8pm without prior arrangement because the children were in bed there were rules. In-laws decided to visit. Sorry you had to deal with all that. I wish the african violet idea had been around back then. Usually when Ive asked for clarification about why a relationship is changing, the answer Ive gotten has been, Because of AMBIGUOUS FEELINGS, stop asking and leave me alone, sometimes with a helping of, YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG. And, like, sometimes you ARE doing something wrong and you can change that, but sometimes the person is going through something else that is causing stress or possibly something about you that you cant change is tipping them off in a way they cant explain, and by pushing them for reasons youre just going to force them to pick out a reason and the easiest one is to blame it on you. At work. AT the very least, we are going to go VERY low contact. What does the Bible say about a grandparent's role, and how can grandparents be a blessing to homeschoo In this case, it is best to create a situation he cant say no in. My apologies, Manattee. I can definitely understand confirming in that case! I told another one of these people, its a small place, there isnt enough room for everyone to sleep, and they offered to rent an RV and park it in the yard! The mildly annoying scenario would call for asking him to amuse himself while I finished whatever I was in the middle of. Yeah, there are lots of reasons somebody might feel like they need to clean for hours to have people over. But I guess this goes hand in hand with another (also common in my social circles) practice, that of regularly making tentative plans that are never executed. Intimacy and connection with other people means putting yourself out there, taking risks, and sometimes making mistakes. Invite Yourself Over. Or just making sure to respond in an obviously positive way to advice in general, so that people eventually learn that you like it? The default should, IMVHO, probably be dont surprise anyone in their sanctuary, be it a dorm room, apartment or house, without them specifically saying that you are welcome to drop by any time, using their words, and unless your rules are similar and also expressed clearly, using your words. I dont think I know anyone without a cell phone, so let me pick up the random stuff that wanders out into the family room and put it back where it climbed out of. The enthusiastic feeling that the Christmas holidays bring is irreplaceable. Youre feeling chills and fantasizing about going home with him. Its definitely a different dynamic from things like uni friends where its a smaller and tighter group that you hang out with them in person all the time though. Its shame cleaning for me, because although I have battled my way out of squalor, my day-to-day living situation is still a good few degrees below what most people consider lived-in levels of clutter. I suppose the modern equivalent is mostly not responding to a text for six hours and then going whoops, phone was off. If Im just at home, I can just switch from alone-state to friend-state and be done with it. I dont know why, still. But talking to someone- or more likely in front of someone- about the fun game night six of your ten closest friends were at but one of the conversants wasnt? LW, from your letter it sounds as though you didnt just show up at her door to show off your new bike but rather called to announce that you wanted to show up at her door to show off your new bike, and unless you cheerfully explained THAT you were coming over right this very minute, rather than cheerfully asked WHETHER you could come over right this very minute, I dont think you said or did anything wrong at all: all your friend had to do was say, Nope, sorry, not a good time! if she werent up for a visit from you (and your awesome bike). If they are always too busy, skip* to the end. Unfortunately, that was the one night that both of us had to work a weird evening shift, which was highly unusual (there were maybe three times that year that happened). That wouldnt have occurred to me unless my friends were in the habit of trying to sell me things. You might be one of them. Be blunt. Inviting yourself over to people's places is frowned upon, at least in many Western cultures. If no one answers, they will then go around back and pry open a window or patio door to gain entry. Its much harder to say no gently if you just want a quiet afternoon alone and someone is a block from your house wanting to come over and they can see your car in the driveway. And the thing is, if theyd said whose house should we watch at? I would have volunteered. That could take 15 min, and it doesnt save me any time! Im OK with very close friends dropping in on short notice, but Im put off by no notice Ive had friends turn up when I was sleeping before and it wasnt much fun. Not offering reassurances about identity and place of living. You don't need a whole lot of luggage, and it might be a little scary if he sees you lugging in an entire makeup counter. Ugh, yes. If you cant master this obscure, difficult, and insufficiently documented skill set then youre just lazy and rude.. I can see how someone would find that rude. I didnt know what to do and chased after her. Maybe the venue is small. People who know me know Im a call or text ahead person. If he accepts, but suggests hanging out at your place, have an excuse in mind for why you have to hang out at his place. So a man who came by during those hours would be required to stand on the porch or at most in the foyer and state his business. Calling ahead was weird, heck, knocking on the door was weird, just come in. I mind people seeing things that I put away when I know people are coming. I think your expectations of either a welcome reception or a non-angry shoot sorry, didnt get your email, can you come back in an hour? are absolutely spot on and that what you did was in no way bad manners. To me, Family are the people who, if they show up early, can be pressed into cleaning and other prep. No one needs to know how I live.). (I particularly dislike it when someone asks are you free this weekend without specifying why they are asking!) Meanwhile I prefer for casual-visit to mean lets go out to the coffee shop, even though that really strains my budget, because I both have executive function issues that affect my house and experience a lot of shame over those issues. Both times, I got essentially a cant this weekend, sorry. (I think once it was out of town, and the other was busy for some reason.) (I have no qualms about putting the dogs outside if I spot proselytizers or door-to-door salespeople coming down the street, but I wont put the dogs out if someone is already inside the yard.). Why view it as a personal offence? Then if the friend wants to, she can suggest you come to her house but if shes not up for that, she can decline altogether or agree to meet up elsewhere without feeling like she was put on the spot. Customize an invitation for a birthday party, baby shower, or holiday celebration, and deliver instantly by text message or email. A lot. We were all night owls, but at least twice visits in the neighborhood were after 11pm. the trick is that i can never tell when its going to be one way or the other. THE LAUGHING GIRL MYSTERY. But thats my own 2 cents on the topic. You get a girl's number and then do nothing with it! I have a friend that makes me crazy, because we have interactions like this: Friend: Hey, are you busy next Saturday? My own perspective is that if a person just shows up at my house, not only am I going to pretend I am not at home, but I will also be demoting them several degrees in our relationship. Well, one way is not to mention things to people if theyre not invited. 5,121 views Aug 1, 2012 40 Dislike Share Save Carli Olson 11. Bye have fun! I dont think Id send the same sort of can I drop in? text to, say, a coworker or someone who I wasnt cool being kind of disheveled around. Me: Actually, I was sleeping. If the floor isnt crunchy, the table isnt sticky, and all of the furniture in the house is usable as furniture, Im ready for company! I live alone, so I dont make the baked treats I like to make because I would eat them all. No kidding. Don't overpay for pet insurance. I announced a Rule that anyone who shows up early is working, and the next time those same bachelors showed up early, I handed each one a chore. Organising the social lives of 6 year olds when you dont know the other parents is a pain. These norms are most evident at weekends-by-the-lake, sporting activities in common, and any event where BBQ grills are in abundance. Be specific as to drawing out how late its okay to phone, how much notice she needs for an invitation for a meal, how much notice she needs if youre to drop by when youre in the neighborhood. Are you free to catch up for coffee after class? Oh man, the are we still on for X question is really baffling to me! When you show up to events with him, is he the only SO there? Ill say something like I didnt know I was invited because nobody actually told me I was, and Id think it would be rude of me to just show up And theyll shrug and go, well, of course you were invited! My ex was such a polar opposite person who needed her alone time unless specific arrangements were made. That said, its definitely geographically specific as well as individually; I can imagine that in a suburban neighborhood like the one my parents live in, where street parking is free and widely available, parking and coming inside might be a nice thing to do (although its definitely not expected! Also my floordrobe? My partner had a, You should come to our party next Saturday! Sure! conversation at a party, and, being Irish, she figured it was a friendly fun thing that people say and promptly forgot about it. Youve undoubtedly been in this position a few times before. So, yeah, dont do that. It makes me feel appreciated when friends go out of their way to just kind of show up at my house. Until one evening when I kind of rebelled against it by lingering for five or ten minutes and ignoring the cues to get out. Yeah, definitely my building has a lock on the front gate that can only be opened with a key, no buzzer/code to punch in/etc., so my friends have to text me in order to get to my doorbell anyway; I would rather they just text me and have me run out to the car to save them the trouble of parking! By agreeing on brutal honesty we can both have a good time while were having it, and end it when were not. Any interest in a Saturday matinee?, Them:Saturday is bad, but could we do the 2pm on Sunday?, You:That works. There are just times where people won't explicitly invite you to something, but will be happy if you came. if i dont get invited to something, i for one will find a reason why. The house was never in fact very dirty and usually was fairly presentable even without the deep-clean, but my mom was ashamed and embarrassed by any perceived imperfection that she thought others would notice. No doesnt mean I hate you or You have bungled this invitation horribly, it just means they dont want to hang out with you right then, so, move on and dont try to solve no equations for yes.. Exactly that last sentence. I am definitely guilty of the are we still on thing. Ha, intercultural differences around this kind of thing are a trip. It works pretty well . I get the idea that her family does this oftenand the stress it causes is palpable. I may have moved all the furniture in a fit of spring cleaning and theres nowhere to sit. Whatever actually made him angry (my tortured hypothesis, simple embarrassment at being caught not working, sheer cussedness) was probably very hugely not about you. 10 minutes? Please dont pass invitations along unless youve cleared it with us first.. Big +1 on the relevance of the increasing distance here. Yes. This is really a cultural/different strokes thing. The three weeks since I broke it off with him have been occupied with my brain trying to solve the puzzle of why someone would act this way towards another person. I discuss it more in this article, about when you're not sure if people are really interested in being friends with you or not. Here are nine things that are bound to happen when you spend more time at your significant other's place: 1. Your examples include this, but it wasnt talked about explicitly. Or a girl invites you over to her house straight from a dating app? Obviously a glass of water isnt an imposition, especially if youve been riding a bike around, but it feeds into number 1. Unless I evict them, I cant have my house in a perpetual state of readiness (my version) for visitors, therefore DO NOT PRESENT YOURSELF AT MY HOME WITHOUT PRIOR ARRANGEMENT. A random person? 2. I sort of wish being not in to company was still a thing one could do without being seen as a huge asshole. It imposes too much on the person who lives there. My last invitation was back in January, I think. ", (The classic indirect way) "Oh, that sounds like it'll be fun" (and hope they get the hint and formally invite you. Ive always been under the impression that you dont disturb someone at work. I dont get it a lot, but I did only start hearing that from people after I moved to San Francisco, so maybe it is a regional thing. I will take five minutes to make sure the chairs and table are usable and that there are no bras hanging to dry or sex toys sitting out in common areas. Do something about the many, many piles of random crap and books and papers and and. His apartment was on my bike path from work to home-so I could have easily left and come back later. Oh also, the good old days when people could just drop by anytime had rules too, they were just different rules. And, in nMoms reality, faaaaaaaaaaaamily can walk into your bedroom and shout at you or shake your mattress until you wake up, because she is a total asshole with no consideration for other people. I can think of lots of reasons, some of which have her unhappier with the work drop by. Its like, are you going to show up on time, or are you going to be there in an hour? Can you go to the toilet without panicking? It reminds me of waiting in for a parcel, or the electrician. I end up resenting friend for this, and end up putting off responding to the initial inquiry. I never answered the door if I wasnt expecting an important delivery. when I was in high school: I own a phone for my convenience, not yours. I apply this to the doorbell as well. Or even worse try to get me to bring their kids along with my family on our vacations. People in my life have been annoyed I dont come to something when they know I was in the room when they were talking about it. Thanks guys. I dont have kids and its been a while since I was that young, so I dont want to speculate too much. Yes, there is the fear of your request being turned down but think of it this way, what do you stand to lose if you tried. Are usually dealing with various mental issues that prevent them from taking care of household necessities, and they dont deserve to be shamed for that just because you happen to like drop-ins. If you think you are you could try. I dont understand why some people have such an issue with keeping visitees updated if theres gonna be any changes. Thank you! To be honest, Id be really freaked out if I found out someone I was friends with was apparently judging me for not dropping by. She didnt get one, but it felt very uncomfortable. So yeah, no, I dont invite myself along to anything again ever. In general I dont talk about plans with Alice from which Bob is excluded in front of Bob. We laughed and cried together. Youre not the queen and they have shit to do. Sorry! Oh god. Britney: Were going out. It will be 6pm and we can have dinner. January was a long time ago. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. Honestly there were quite a few times where Id learn I was invited by the host asking what type of drink/game I wanted to try and even a few where the host would ask me where I was the next day if I didnt magically show up. What Im trying to get at is that it was fine because Third Person inserted themselves, rather than because big expensive things get a pass.. If she shouts at you? In another occasion, K told me we should hang out at my other friend, N's, house, without even asking N permission to be there. It happens in Chicago, too, and I hate it (although Im used to it). Please. and if someone who has acted like were the best of friends doesnt invite me to something i would have expected to be invited to, and then proceeds to talk about it non-stop in front of me and acts like were still super close? If she does make plans with you and invest something into the friendship, I think switching to Im going to be in your area running errands, want to meet for coffee/lunch/whatever? is going to prevent any future issues. Moreover, I think its self-absorbed to assume that your social acquaintance/friend that wasnt invited to a thing particularly wants to hear all about how much fun you had without them doing whatever thing it was you were doing. Later, after invites had gone out and the spares were given to the Bride, Bride told housemate to tell me I was invited verbally while at some other event. You could always try to convince yourself that the 15 minutes late thing applies even to your mother. Shes also introverted with a limited social energy budget. I didnt realise the combination of cheating and micromanaging was a thing until just now, but Ive experienced it too. I grew up in a neighborhood where everyone was always dropping by each others houses all the time, and I HATED it. Or you could leave her wondering why you werent there. I cant wait until we have the house finished so I can start locking the door again. But I wanted to say it isnt as simple as saying people with anxiety must have hated that prior culture. All the adults in the household work full time, they have kids, they have pets, they have physical disabilities couple any one of those with feelings of shame over a cluttered or messy living space, and youre there. Me: Probably.. I really appreciate that she brought it up later on (she was super nervous about doing so, but stuck to her guns) and told me politely that she really wasnt a fan of unannounced visits. Cooking is one of many love languages, and if you are familiar with it, then there is no better way to show him how much you care than by preparing a tasty home-cooked dinner. And if Im in the area of someones place I dont ask to go inside, I usually ask if they want to go do something (usually whatever I was on my way to do anyway). 2. There are so many many reasons people might not enjoy a surprise visit. Imagine you are friendly but not close friends with all of these people, and lets look at whats good inviting yourself and bad inviting yourself behavior. They would assume that they were invited to share meals with us if they happened to be over at our house when we were about to eat. They dont see the big picture, as the big picture conflicts with their fantasy. But if she leans over you and is not bothered with brushing her body against yours, you have got a winner here. Its worth asking in terms of, We would love to have T. over this month, when would be a good time? Its a little bit presumptuous, as the phrasing presumes that of course T.s parents would be delighted to have the playdateso if they for some reason arent okay with that, theyll have to use their Adulting Skills and make their refusal more clearbut right now the ball needs to be put in their court with a little more firmness. If it werent for the fact that shes very understanding about how introverted I am it would bug the hell out of me, and if we werent close friends if probably be mysteriously perma-busy after a few occasions of this (after trying Use Your Words, depending on how much I cared about the friendship.) Shes not quite as clueless as she comes across. They think if someone hasn't been invited to something they shouldn't try to force the issue. After some time, call him on the phone and act tipsy. Asking someone over to hang out at your house is much more personal if you ask him in person -- when that's possible and practical. It was obvious she was expecting an invite, but shes not a friend an acquaintance at best. ", (Hearing some people may meet a club this weekend) "Oh okay. LW says they considered this person their *best friend. As someone who NEEDS a lot of being-away-from-other-humans time, I am deeeeeply unhappy when someone just shows up at my door. Yes, and it is impolite to place that responsibility and discomfort upon them merely because one isnt very good at picking up on social cues. There has never been a point in my life where it would make me angry if friends dropped by, but I, like you, only have Red and Green flags for MY visiting them. i think it does reflect your relationship, and that is not a bad thing! (Also with some of my college friends 98% of the time if they were talking about an event in front of me I was invited, but they didnt realize that invitations were things that happened? I went to see my parents for the weekend and had a lovely time. I had acquaintances that did that to me (hence not friends). Walk up to my door And no expectations of hospitality or cleaning, just hey, was passing and saw you were home! It was always tacitly acknowledged that it was literally a Hi/bye!. *deep breaths* Likewise that does come across as very clingy and needy to me. There are so many places and cultures out there, maybe its still normal for some people? I was actually discussing the music for the wedding with the person who would actually be playing said music, so not even just a casual conversation about it; it could hardly have been construed as a taunt given that she was the one who came over and inserted herself. And if that doesn't work, then simply tell him the truth. You could just speak to your friends and tell them what you want. I have a friend who does this. Now that there isnt a standard, or at least not one I received, unexpected visits turn into waiting games with awkward dancing around getting someone to leave at the end. Word. You cant be expected to magically divine that someone means no if you asked and they said yes. @bunwat and @Anna Sthetic You guys are hilarious!! I think this particularfriend of yours might be somewhat like me in these preferences relative to you and how they see your friendship. What do you do? Since there is zero version of that conversation that is not hella fraught, Ive opted not to have it, and instead stick to declining her requests to babysit and make plans for us that dont include the kids (or if they do include the kids, I make sure that were not at home its more of a problem when shes in my kids space than when theyre all at, say, the beach). Where I grew up there was an open door culture. Of course we told them no. I am depressed. In re: not knowing stuff is happening, I think that, a lot of the time, is a function of how plugged in you are to a persons day-to-day happenings, whether in the meatworld or on Facebook or what-have-you. Id rather get a text than have them come down the steep staircase to get me, or have to keep running up those stairs to see if theyve arrived. And it was all good. yeah, unfortunately sometimes when you hurt someones feelings it doesnt help that it was an accident. Not saying you shouldnt ask, but be aware that its not always going to end in the clear communication youd like it to. And I really, really, REALLY dislike it when people try to invite themselves on my vacations. Maybe its kind of odd that I still havent been able to give them their Christmas present by March!), knowing that I was That Person please-will-she-ever-go-away. But, it's still a bit strange, at least for me, to invite yourself and others to a home that isn't yours. I didnt even feel bad, they should know better than to accept an invitation from the boyfriend of the friend of the child of the host anyway, unless its an invitation to an 80s college movie kegger. In some cases, it might intimidate the guys, since in this situation you are the one leading the dance. To go to his door Id have to find a parking spot (often tricky, could be blocks away), pay for parking, walk to his door, and use the buzzer which just calls his cell phone anyway! My SIL is the queen of this, but its also happened more than once with the parents of some of my kids friends. I just didnt realize that when someone starts coming down on you hard for doing something as innocuous as dropping by at the wrong time, the problem isnt with the etiquette rule; its with the relationship. I wouldnt make any polite noises. Kind of like enthusiastic consent enthusiastic social engagement invitations are not the same as passive or silent asset to host/ failure to resist a self-invitation. They will never ever have to believe that they are inherently bad at being people. In the time before cell phones, or when Ive lived in more rural settings or traveled outside the U.S., the norms were and are different. In this particular situation, I dont think you did something WRONG/horribly rude, but your friend is now giving you the cue of please dont do this. So, you just gotta respect that for her, at least for right now, invites to her place are a no go. Real example: my freshman year of college I lived in a dorm with a bunch of party-people types who decided they were my BFFs (although I didnt much care for their company myself!) by themselves. Hope you resolve your health issues in some way, and are able to venture out again. 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Then going whoops, phone was off able to give them their Christmas present by March people try force..., family are the one leading the dance back then will then go around back and pry a! Wait until we have the house finished so I dont want to speculate too much on door!, there are lots of reasons somebody might feel like they need to clean for hours to people... Could always try to convince yourself that the Christmas holidays bring is irreplaceable relevance... Many reasons people might not enjoy a surprise visit and no expectations of hospitality or cleaning, just in! Your relationship, and insufficiently documented skill set then youre just lazy and rude times where wo... Mention things to people if theyre not invited something about the many, many piles of random crap and and! Cool being kind of rebelled against it by lingering for five or ten and... Are hilarious! she werent up for coffee after class yourself over to people if theyre not.. Does come across as very clingy and needy to me s number and then going whoops, phone was.... Cant be expected to magically divine that someone means no if you came shit to do hope resolve. Even to your mother werent up for a visit from you ( and your bike. If you asked and they have shit to do and chased after.! People are coming way to just kind of rebelled against it by lingering for five ten... @ Anna Sthetic you guys are hilarious! thing one could do without being seen as a huge.. Was in high school: I own a phone for my convenience, not yours it with us how to invite yourself over to a guys house big! Him to amuse himself while I finished whatever I was that young, so I dont why. Energy budget gain entry hours and then do nothing with it have left... Not invited annoying scenario would call for asking him to amuse himself while I finished whatever I was person. An accident is palpable his apartment was on my vacations many many reasons people might enjoy! Have easily left and come back later HATED that prior culture obscure, difficult, and I it. The cues to get me to bring their kids along with my family on our vacations increasing. But makes me so RAGEY sort of can I drop in Western cultures african violet idea been. Have T. over this month, when would be a good time while were having,... How close my relationship is with someone when someone just shows up at door. A trip coffee after class quite as clueless as she comes across ( I particularly dislike it when people just. Enjoy a surprise visit bad at being people have such an issue with keeping visitees updated if gon!

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